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10 New Jokes! From Garbage to Apple Computers

I thought I saw a unicorn behind my house! But it was just a bag of garbage with the handles twisted up top.
Lesson: Sometimes our dreams are bags of garbage.

Me: Umm, It’s sexist to order my meal for me.
Husband: Sweetie, we’re at a drive thru.

For every cute photo of a cat wearing a hat, there are a hundred blurry photos of a cat not wanting to wear a hat.

I was a victim of PC police brutality. Someone gave me a weird look THEN they told me to check my privilege. THEN they checked my privilege. And it was all there. THEN they tweeted about it. Whoa. Intense.

My friend ruined the ending of the new Star Wars movie for me. I was so mad that I decided to get even. I bought him a Star Wars puzzle for Christmas, but I took a piece of the puzzle out. When he couldn’t find the last puzzle piece I called him and smugly said “I hope I didn’t ruin the ending.”

Too many commercials now seem to end with a woman revealing that she’s pregnant and her husband saying, “We’re going to need a bigger van!” So, I wish every commercial ended with a woman surprising someone that she’s pregnant. Like, ee’re going to need lots of tacos. Because I’m pregnant! We’re going to need a bigger microwave. Because I’m pregnant! (Are we going to microwave a baby?)

Person: I’m offended by your squirrel joke. I have ADD.
Me: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Person: About what?

Do you remember playing the game “Hertz donut?” It’s when you run somebody over with a rental car. Then say, “Hertz. Donut.”

I seriously thought Comey was what Trump called his hairbrush. So no, I wasn’t surprised that he fired Comey. Comey was not doing a good job. Either was Brushy.

If you buy two apple computers is it called a pear?

Thank you for reading and for any and all feedback! Which jokes do you like? Which jokes do you not understand? Which ones do you LOVE!?

I’m raising money for my unicorn ebook! Join here and help me save a unicorn!

May 12, 2017 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 5 comments

Forget Everything You’ve Heard About The Unicorn Frappuccino: The Official Review

This week we have a very special edition of Unicorn Reviews. Because this past week the amazing UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO was unleashed onto the unsuspecting public!

The Unicorn Frappuccino was conceived several months ago when a millennial and a dolphin went rollerblading together. While blading down the sidewalk they came across a lemonade stand owned and operated by a rainbow. They served mango lemonade and only blue sour skittles, and cream. The rest is history.

Now, you shouldn’t judge a Unicorn Frappuccino by it’s cover. Because the cover is just a plastic dome shape and it’s rather quite generic. It has a nice sized hole in the top and fits onto cups, but honestly it doesn’t say much about the contents of the beverage. Instead, judge a Unicorn Frappuccino by it’s sparkle. And holy buckets does this drink sparkle.

I was instantly enticed by the swooshy swirls of blue, pink, light pink, dark pink, soft pink, neon pink, gay pink, straight pink, boy pink, girl pink, non gender conforming pink, pink panther pink, and pinky pink. It looked like what a unicorn’s brain would look like on crack. As the drink melted the blue began to takeover the pink in a sprawling, manifest destiny fashion. It was like watching paint dry, but like while you’re on crack.

I absolutely adored the poofy white cloud of whipped cream on top of the drink covered in a magical dusting of sugar. It looked like a soft mountain that I wanted to jump into. And we can’t forget about the horn. The skinny green horn burst free from the top of the cloud proudly and declared, I’m a unicorn, and my horn is also a straw! BAM!

I wish I could have a Unicorn Frappuccino every day. But they were only here from April 19th to the 23rd, and most Starbucks stores ran out before then.

Thankfully I got mine the first day at an airport Starbucks and I got to taste it while everyone around clapped and cheered and took my picture and asked, “How is it?”

And that’s where we are now. I’m sure you’re all wondering what it tasted like. And I have to be honest here. It was really good… But it just wasn’t sugary enough. It tasted kind of sweet, but not sweet enough. It’s like they’d never had a meal cooked by a unicorn before. It was close. Definitely close to seeming authentic, and to the untrained mouth it may have been indiscernible from the real thing, but I’ve been around the block a few times. It’s a block made out of rainbow legos and ego waffles, and that’s where all the unicorn’s live. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVED the mango and the blue sourness. It was like a dream wrapped in a dream with a dream on top, all getting sucked up into a straw. But there just wasn’t enough sugar.

I really hope Starbucks brings them back again, just like the McRib. Unicorns need more attention and awareness so anything that brings them to the spotlight is wonderful.

Starbucks Frappuccino, thank you for existing. xoxox 10 stars.


Thank you for reading and if you liked this review, you should preorder my new ebook “Finally, Unbiased Reviews of Unicorn Images.” You can preorder here.

For more unicorn reviews, visit my unicorn blog here!

Apr 25, 2017 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 0 comments

I’m headlining Minnesota’s 10,000 Laughs Festival!

The 10,000 Laughs Festival is organized by comedians, for comedians and all proceeds go back into the comedy community. When you see a show at this festival, and I highly recommend that you do, you will be supporting the arts and supporting a community of comedians and performers that aims to brighten people’s lives with laughter, puns, outrageous stories and even some social commentary. And cat impressions. (Most of the cat impressions will be coming from me, but I encourage all comedians and people to be cats as much as possible.)

All of the shows have incredible lineups and feature local comedians as well as comedians from afar. See rising stars and shooting stars and starbursts which is my favorite candy, so if you would like to pay for your tickets in Starbursts that is totally cool with me. (no refunds, and also no guarantee this will work,)

I’m excited and honored to be one of the festivals headliners this year! I’ll be closing out two shows and also hanging out during and after the shows and I would love to see my Minnesota friends and family there, and if you have a cat, bring your cat! (Don’t bring your cat.) Seriously, bring your cat it’s totally allowed. (It’s probably not allowed.) Meow meow meow meow. (Meow meow meow meow.)

SHOWS I’M HEADLINING:
(Get your tickets!)

Tickets for Saturday at 8pm at Sisyphus Brewing:
https://10000laughs.yapsody.com/…/i…/48026/showcase-showcase

Tickets for Saturday at 10pm at Sisyphus Brewing:
https://10000laughs.yapsody.com/…/in…/47668/best-of-the-fest

ALL THE SHOWS:
(Get your tickets!)
https://10000laughs.yapsody.com/

Spread the word and tell your friends, and I’ll see you on Saturday!

Oct 10, 2016 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments

Sad Francisco :(

I had to cancel my San Francisco Tour this weekend! 🙁 BUT I assure you it was for a pretty cool reason, so stay tuned for that!

ALSO, if you would like to find out the next time I’ll be in San Francisco, or performing in a city near you, be sure to JOIN MY MAILING LIST and also make sure to list your city!

CONTEST:
To make up for having to cancel my SF shows on such short notice, I will be sending out autographed copies of my CD to the first 5 people to email me their address. You can email andyerikson@gmail.com and I will sign and send you a Secret Unicorn CD! No catch! Your address just has to be located relatively near to San Francisco, and you have to join my mailing list.

I googled Sad San Francisco, and this is what showed up, so I’ll leave you with this!
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Sep 17, 2016 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments

Yes, I used to be a high powered business woman

This conversation is from last year at my Mom’s office in Minnesota.


 

I’m working at my mom’s insurance office today:

OFFICE ANDY: I am irate! I’m just irate.

MOM: What is it Andy?

OFFICE ANDY: I need that on my desk by 4:30!

MOM: What do you need?

OFFICE ANDY: I need that on my desk by 4:30!

MOM: Andy, it’s 5:15.

OFFICE ANDY: I need something on my desk by a specific time! Just put something on my desk!

MOM: (sets a roll of tape on the desk) Here you go.

OFFICE ANDY: Good! Now, cut the tape into 15 pieces and put them into gift bags. I know how much you love gift bags!

MOM: (walks out of the room.)

OFFICE ANDY: (Deep breath) I’m sorry. I was a little irate back there. It’s just that Tuesday is our busiest day. And there are just a lot of numbers to deal with.

MOM: That’s a phone number.

OFFICE ANDY: You’re fired!

MOM: Oh, can I go home then?

OFFICE ANDY: Sorry, I got a little irate again. You’re not fired. If you’re going home, I’d like a ride.


 

Having a job is hard. Being the boss is harder.

Aug 26, 2016 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 0 comments

Alex Stein’s Acting Reel

I love my husband Alex Stein so much. He is kind, smart, and best of all, so funny!

I wanted to share with you his new acting reel. Perhaps you can see why we are perfect for each other.

Thank you for watching and for telling all your friends to put him in your movies and commercials!

Enjoy 🙂

watch here

 

LA Casting – http://cni.lacasting.com/talent/profi…

Casting Frontier – https://database.castingfrontier.com/…

Actors Access – http://resumes.actorsaccess.com/AlexStein

Email – ThisAlexStein@gmail.com

Commercial Representation – First Class Talent Agency – Los Angeles 818-424-3282

Aug 24, 2016 | Posted by in featured, Posts | 0 comments

I’m in Love with Pokemon Go!

Here are some photos and a video of what it’s like to play Pokemon Go, and what it’s like to be me 🙂

How to dress like a Pokemon Go Trainer

You gotta look the part. Hats are a must. Checkout all my sweet Gym badges.

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Got my backpack on so I can hold Pokeballs and candy.

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I look JUST like my avatar 🙂

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And now the best part, a video of what it’s like to play Pokemon Go! Super silly and so much fun. Please watch and share and give it a like on Youtube!


Click here to watch!

Video Credits: Xchel Hernandez, Joleen Lunzer and Alex Stein

 

Jul 11, 2016 | Posted by in Blog, featured, Posts | 2 comments

Words of Wisdom from Calvin and Hobbes

It’s been a difficult and sad few days as we grieve over the tremendous loss in Orlando this week. My heart is broken and I feel lost. I’m finding myself looking for words of wisdom and insight to find some comfort.

Here are a few quotes from Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson. I hope they make you smile and inspire you to take time to reflect on what is important in this world.

Hugs.

Jun 14, 2016 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments
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