I thought I saw a unicorn behind my house! But it was just a bag of garbage with the handles twisted up top.
Lesson: Sometimes our dreams are bags of garbage.
Me: Umm, It’s sexist to order my meal for me.
Husband: Sweetie, we’re at a drive thru.
For every cute photo of a cat wearing a hat, there are a hundred blurry photos of a cat not wanting to wear a hat.
I was a victim of PC police brutality. Someone gave me a weird look THEN they told me to check my privilege. THEN they checked my privilege. And it was all there. THEN they tweeted about it. Whoa. Intense.
My friend ruined the ending of the new Star Wars movie for me. I was so mad that I decided to get even. I bought him a Star Wars puzzle for Christmas, but I took a piece of the puzzle out. When he couldn’t find the last puzzle piece I called him and smugly said “I hope I didn’t ruin the ending.”
Too many commercials now seem to end with a woman revealing that she’s pregnant and her husband saying, “We’re going to need a bigger van!” So, I wish every commercial ended with a woman surprising someone that she’s pregnant. Like, ee’re going to need lots of tacos. Because I’m pregnant! We’re going to need a bigger microwave. Because I’m pregnant! (Are we going to microwave a baby?)
Person: I’m offended by your squirrel joke. I have ADD.
Me: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Person: About what?
Do you remember playing the game “Hertz donut?” It’s when you run somebody over with a rental car. Then say, “Hertz. Donut.”
I seriously thought Comey was what Trump called his hairbrush. So no, I wasn’t surprised that he fired Comey. Comey was not doing a good job. Either was Brushy.
If you buy two apple computers is it called a pear?
Thank you for reading and for any and all feedback! Which jokes do you like? Which jokes do you not understand? Which ones do you LOVE!?
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