I used to play hot lava when I was a kid. Now I play cold lava and just lay on the couch.
To test the theory of global warming, I put this snow globe in a microwave for 2 minutes. Folks, it’s not looking good. Glitter everywhere.
Friend: Why does my stuffed animal smell like Vinegar?!?
Me: Oh, I thought this was a Pickle Me Elmo…
This trend of living in “Tiny Houses” has gotten a lot of attention from hipsters. Rednecks say, “Yeah, way ahead of you. It’s called a TRAILER HOME”
Me: I’m over 6 feet tall.
Sea Captain: I can’t even fathom.
Cats have 9 mid life crises! Totally explains why they’re so crazy. And why she’s eating lots of treats… And sleeping in the sink… And why she keeps buying corvettes…
I get pissed off when people call me a ma’am.
I wonder if that’s how kittens feel when you suddenly call them a cat.
Turns out NASA accidentally used the money we gave them to crochet moon blankets and make friendship bracelets out of moon rocks. We said to make a spacecraft! Not do a space craft!
At the meet and greet today, a woman asked who my “nay sayers” were.
I told her, just horses.
My friend once told me that he was in the mile high club. I told him I don’t give a “flying fuck” whether you’re in the mile high club or not.
Thank you for reading and for any and all feedback! Let me know which jokes you liked, loved, or perhaps confused you! 🙂
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