New Jokes! From Giraffes to Trail mix. // Nov 7th, 2015

I can’t decide if I like giraffes or ostriches better. They’re neck and neck.

I couldn’t find my keys once, so I just didn’t leave the house for three weeks. Problem solved.

Mom: What did you have for breakfast today?
Me: Fruit…
Mom: Oh good!
Me: (quietly) …rollups.

I’m convinced that people who use a default wallpaper on their phones, don’t have families or friends. Because they murdered them.

There’s a theory that cavemen used to sleep on lofted beds. But it was debunked.

I have a Vampire joke, but it’s never seen the light of day.

I’m starting to think Princess Peach just doesn’t want to marry a plumber. Like, take a hint Mario. Move on.

I’m so nerdy that If I ever have a kid, her first words are going to be “hello world.”

I saw a product called “Indulgent” trail mix. And I was like, “You mean, Skittles?”

Okay, but we can say Orange Lives Matter right? Because orange is the new… nevermind.

Thank you for reading and for any and all feedback! Let me know which jokes you liked, loved, or perhaps confused you! 🙂

Don’t forget to join my mailing list to find out when I’ll be performing in a city near you!

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Nov 7, 2015 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 10 comments

Comments (10 Responses)

  1. David says:

    1, 4, 5 are my favs. 3, 4, and 10 in the right setting could get me to crack.

  2. Lynelle says:

    You are hilarious! Love em!

  3. pete garcia says:

    they were all good but work on your weird style of delivery like emo phillips. i remember you from lcs. you were funny

  4. Teresa says:

    Likes 100% of the jokes this time.
    Loved it cuz it’s sweet: “Hello world” as first words.
    Evil but I still loved it: orange is the new…

    • admin says:

      lol. Thank you! And I’ll have to probably rework the orange is the new black one. Haven’t tried either of those jokes you mentioned on stage, but will now! 🙂

  5. Will NEUMEISTER says:


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