NEW JOKES! // From Baseball to Beer

I prefer listening to baseball games on the radio, rather than on TV. That way I can also watch paint dry to get the full experience.

Her: You can’t sit here.
Me: Why?
Her: Somebody spilled a bunch of jams and jellies.
Me: Oh! This seat is preserved.

I’m watching a Football game just waiting to see if one of the kickers does bad. Yep, playing fantasy football makes the game WAY more interesting… Right…

Kids: “look what I can do! Look what I can do!”
Adults: “I’ll see what I can do… No promises.”

Whenever my mom asks what I did during the day, and I didn’t do anything, I always tell her that i did yoga. She’s always very impressed. And I’ve never actually even done yoga.

Me: Can I get my soup togo?
Waiter: Sure… I guess…
(Waiter hands me a bowl of soup with a sheet wrapped around it like a dress.)
Me: No. I said “togo.”
Waiter: Oh I thought you said “toga.”

I’m supposed to keep my blood pressure low, which is why I can’t go to a haunted house. Which is why for halloween I just go to a house.

I don’t go to the beach and build a sandcastle. I go to the beach and make a sand 2 bedroom apartment. Because in LA’s that’s basically a castly .

My friend told me about a girl who was in a mental hospital for making out with a squirrel. And my only thought was “Wow, it could’ve been me. That could’ve been me.” Good thing I’ve never been able to catch a squirrel.

The other day a woman bumped into me and spilled beer on me. Instead of washing it off, I just rubbed it into my skin like a lotion. So yeah, I’m pretty disgusting. But I invented beer lotion! True story.

Thank you for reading and for any and all feedback!

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Oct 31, 2015 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 11 comments

Comments (11 Responses)

  1. Mark Grand says:

    I think your joke “I prefer listening to baseball games on the radio, rather than on TV. That way I can also watch paint dry to get the full experience.” is hilarious. I don’t people who enjoy baseball will find it funny.

    Thank you for doing something for people who are not baseball fans. It is soooo rare.

  2. David says:

    The second one is pretty solid. Reminds me of Emo’s (there’s that comparison again) joke “is this seat saved?”
    I kinda like the ninth one too. Think that would work well around another joke or two about squirrels.

  3. Teresa says:

    I didn’t find the togo/toga joke funny at all, because I’ve never met anyone who pronounced those 2 words anything alike. HOWEVER, I don’t get out much. AND, I thought all the rest were good. The 2 jokes slamming sports, I appreciated greatly, even though I didn’t LOL. That leaves the 2 that I did LOL about — the beer lotion & the idea of making out with a squirrel. Keep up the good work, yogini.

  4. Carey says:

    my favs are paint drying… seat preserved(prob my fav and very “you”)… kids/adults convo.. haunted house… sandcastle… squirrel…

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