I prefer listening to baseball games on the radio, rather than on TV. That way I can also watch paint dry to get the full experience.
Her: You can’t sit here.
Her: Somebody spilled a bunch of jams and jellies.
Me: Oh! This seat is preserved.
I’m watching a Football game just waiting to see if one of the kickers does bad. Yep, playing fantasy football makes the game WAY more interesting… Right…
Kids: “look what I can do! Look what I can do!”
Adults: “I’ll see what I can do… No promises.”
Whenever my mom asks what I did during the day, and I didn’t do anything, I always tell her that i did yoga. She’s always very impressed. And I’ve never actually even done yoga.
Me: Can I get my soup togo?
Waiter: Sure… I guess…
(Waiter hands me a bowl of soup with a sheet wrapped around it like a dress.)
Me: No. I said “togo.”
Waiter: Oh I thought you said “toga.”
I’m supposed to keep my blood pressure low, which is why I can’t go to a haunted house. Which is why for halloween I just go to a house.
I don’t go to the beach and build a sandcastle. I go to the beach and make a sand 2 bedroom apartment. Because in LA’s that’s basically a castly .
My friend told me about a girl who was in a mental hospital for making out with a squirrel. And my only thought was “Wow, it could’ve been me. That could’ve been me.” Good thing I’ve never been able to catch a squirrel.
The other day a woman bumped into me and spilled beer on me. Instead of washing it off, I just rubbed it into my skin like a lotion. So yeah, I’m pretty disgusting. But I invented beer lotion! True story.
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