I was told as a performer to have high standards and insist that your hotel room always be nicer than the house you live in. Well, this hotel doesn’t have bars on the windows and the cat hasn’t peed under the bed. I think I’m good!
My friend got front row tickets to a concert and my response was “Front row?! Oh no, I hope the musician doesn’t write a song about us!”
There’s no way to say iron without sounding a little like a pirate.
I’m so tall, people ask if I’m a basketball hoop.
Cats have 9 livers. There was a typo. Now you know the real reason cats live so long and why they never seem to get drunk!
People think it’s classy when I wear a dress. But I only wear dresses because I don’t have any clean pants.
If I was a spider I would keep my contact lenses in an ice cube tray.
Here’s my position on guns: It’s Nerf or Nothing.
I’m not in my high school soccer photo. I was the photographer. I took one for the team.
Throw back Thursday is the worst day to go fishing.
Thank you for reading and for any and all feedback!
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