In case you missed it on Twitter: 

My friend made a blanket with computers and desk chairs on it. It didnt look very good, so I told her “Don’t quilt your day job.”

I thought a grasshopper was a person who bought weed a lot. Because I pronounce it “grass shopper.”

My hotel info card gave a wifi code then said “where applicable.”
Still can’t figure out why this wifi code isn’t making the microwave work!

I did Secret Santa last year and wrote my name on all the slips of paper.

If you’re making a movie about feet, you’re going to need a lot of footage.

“Don’t be silly.” <– Worst advice ever.

Tents are just candy wrappers for bears.

I hear TV networks are hiring more women and I think “I need to strike while the iron is hot!” Then I’m like shit, we still ironing tho?

Why do people say “He’s going to murder you in your sleep,” as if being asleep makes it scarier? If anything it’d be a little more pleasant.

My parents never bought me tear free shampoo when I was a kid. They wanted me to learn at a young age that it was okay to cry in the shower.

Oct 17, 2015 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 9 comments

Comments (9 Responses)

  1. Laurie Swenson says:

    Love these, especially that hilariously miserable last one. 🙂

  2. Steven McCarthy says:

    hi Andy,

    My brother told me this joke:

    “I was really bad at math, but I turned that around 360 degrees.” (the humor apparently relying on the fact that 360 degrees puts you back where you started.)

    We then spent the weekend trying to improve on the joke. Let me know what you think (plus, feel free to it on stage!).

    “I was really bad at math, but I turned that around 362 degrees.” (This version gets the number slightly wrong. Funnier?)

    “I was really bad at math last year, but I turned that around 365 degrees.” (Using the similarly circular days of a year, but still ‘degrees’ at the end.)

    “I was really bad at math, but I turned that around 360 degrees. One of the degrees was from an online college.”


    • admin says:

      SO SILLY! AND SO FUNNY! I like the last one with the college degree too. you need to try it on stage and tell me how it goes! BE a comedian with me! lol

  3. Jan Stanley says:

    Tents as candy wrappers and crying in the shower! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
    Hope you come to Reno!

  4. Rachel says:

    I love the bear tent candy wrapper joke and the last one about the tear free shampoo is hilarious. Hope you’re doing well!

  5. Avi Silver says:

    I love the tent/bear and the cry/shower jokes!!! I’d say they can be stage material:)

  6. Jill says:

    Ha! I totally love the silly one. And the iron, and the bear, and the shower…

    Ok all of them.

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