My friend made a blanket with computers and desk chairs on it. It didnt look very good, so I told her “Don’t quilt your day job.”
I thought a grasshopper was a person who bought weed a lot. Because I pronounce it “grass shopper.”
My hotel info card gave a wifi code then said “where applicable.”
Still can’t figure out why this wifi code isn’t making the microwave work!
I did Secret Santa last year and wrote my name on all the slips of paper.
If you’re making a movie about feet, you’re going to need a lot of footage.
“Don’t be silly.” <– Worst advice ever.
Tents are just candy wrappers for bears.
I hear TV networks are hiring more women and I think “I need to strike while the iron is hot!” Then I’m like shit, we still ironing tho?
Why do people say “He’s going to murder you in your sleep,” as if being asleep makes it scarier? If anything it’d be a little more pleasant.
My parents never bought me tear free shampoo when I was a kid. They wanted me to learn at a young age that it was okay to cry in the shower.