10 new jokes I’ve never said on stage

HEY! Thanks for reading my blog. If you have a second, let me know in the comments if you think any of these jokes are worth trying on stage or worth exploring further.


To have a pizza party all you need is at least one person and at least one pizza. That’s what’s so great about pizza.

“You mean the world to me.” What climate change deniers say to people they hate.

Earthquakes, droughts, heat waves, hurricanes. The Earth is acting weird lately. I think it’s stoned. Guys I think we hot boxed the Earth.

Because of feminism, I warn children about the boogie woman. I tell them their is a harry monster under their beds and it’s okay that she doesn’t want to shave her armpits or her legs.

I’d be way more impressed to see a middle aged person do a summersault. So settle down 3 year olds. Learn to do your own taxes and THEN I’ll give you a sticker.

If you’re one in a million there’s still 7,000 of you on this planet. Something to think about.

That old woman who used her fortune to build a mansion with doors and passages that went nowhere. That’s who I think makes women’s jeans.

If you’re not peeling your banana into an anatomically correct octopus you’re doing it wrong.

Hope floats. So it has been determined: Hope is a witch. Burn hope! Burn it!!!

I hate grammar errors. They make me [sic].

Oct 10, 2014 | Posted by in Blog, featured | 2 comments

Comments (2 Responses)

  1. Bin Lee says:

    Do them all! You won’t know which ones hit unless you try.

    Personally hot-box and 1-in-million are my faves.

    Keep on truckin’ (probably w/o the nuts)

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