“When I was your age a candy bar was a nickel.”
“What the fuck is a nickel?”
What did Steve Urkel say when he got arrested for drinking and driving? “D U I do that?”
Don’t know why my bag of raisins has an “easy ziplock seal.” Not like they can dry out…
Whenever I see a fake flower I think it’s a pen.
A woman complaining that it’s hard to find a good bra for her big boobs is like saying “It’s hard to find bags big enough for all my money.”
“You’re a made bed.” -Mob guy promoting his bed.
Why does Easter have an Easter Bunny? Because Jesus was a magician and before he made it big he’d pull a bunny out of his leaf headband.
I forgot I was wearing an angry birds shirt, so when some guy enthusiastically said, “angry birds!” I replied “frustrated fish!”
$ <– No snakes allowed.
Pot acorns. For the squirrels.