Lance Armstrong may have been doping, but Stretch Armstrong definitely was on something.

When you wish upon a star it takes 4,243 light years for your wish to reach the closest one. Don’t waste your time. Or wish on the sun.

I’ve done enough personality tests to know that the government is planning to do something with a brick. Something very creative.

There were too many fatties on match dot com so I switched over to lighter dot com.

I don’t care if the newspaper article about me spells my name wrong. But for gods sake, don’t you dare spell my twitter handle wrong.

Movie idea: Some meth heads watch Cosmos and see there’s Methane on Saturn’s moon Titan. They try to build a rocket ship and fly there.

Jeez. This coniferous forest still hasn’t taken it’s Christmas tree down.

I once cried on stage and vowed never to return to that club. But if I never returned to places I’ve cried, I’d have to live in the forest.

I eat toast in my bed because crumbs are fancy. Everyone knows good sheets have a high bread count.

If nerds were invited to parties they would drink out of Han Solo cups.

“When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel.”
“You used to eat nickels? Gross Grandma.”

Jun 13, 2014 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 0 comments

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