You’re one of the funniest male comics I’ve seen.

There was a weird kid in school who always creeped me out. One time he just gave me whale movies for no reason. Yeah he have me the Willys.

The 7th inning you stretch. The 1/8th inning you smoke a bowl.

I’m not going to tell my kids they’re special. They’re going to be outliers.

Kids are like cats. You want a girl one so they don’t pee on everything.

I meant to text: “I’m at a house party.”
What I actually said: “I’m at a horse party.”

Why do rich people buy ugly cats

“You cooked so I’ll do the dishes.” -You microwaved the burritos so I’ll throw the paper plates away.

You can’t just throw the word hipster around to describe every person you don’t like. You damn yuppy.

It’s scientifically proven that saying the name of a URL you want to purchase out loud makes it immediately desirable to everyone.

It’s very important that when you backup your hard drive you look behind you and say “beep beep beep beep.”

Jun 9, 2014 | Posted by in Blog, Posts | 0 comments

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