A dude holding a gun in his dating profile is like a woman holding a baby in hers.
WHY NO UNICORN EMOJI? I can’t keep using horse and corn. People ask too many questions.
How to make cookies:
1. Buy cookie dough blizzard.
2. Eat the ice cream. Save the cookie dough.
3. Bake cookie dough at 450 degrees for 1 minute.
You don’t see many sky writing airplanes these days. See this is why we need to teach cursive in school!
If you say you’re allergic to cats you’ll look like a complete dweeb. Say you’re allergic to small tigers.
A clown’s favorite tree is the pie’n tree.
Do people like their kids more than they like their cats?
Even Dora the explorer is sick of all her friends being on Tinder. She’s all, “Swiper no swiping!”
Wouldn’t it be so cool if we got paid for work with tickets and we could turn them in for prizes?! Then I realized that’s what money is…
I once thought Hitler’s first name was Kyle. Because Kyle Hitler! Almost makes him sound like the boy next door.