When the headliner watches your set, it’s like your dad going to your softball game. Sure he’s drunk, but at least he cares!
When you open a candy wrapper and find, “Sorry, you are not a winner,” but you didn’t even know there was a contest going on. That’s life.
I just realized all plaid shirts are button down. And now the thought of a plaid t-shirt makes me laugh.
If high school went on forever I would be in 21st grade. Somehow that doesn’t make me feel any younger…
I like to play the game, “let’s see if I’ll remember to do the very important thing today, without writing it down.”
Come on ladies, have some self respect this Halloween. Go as a sexy “registered” nurse.
I bet TSA gets especially suspicious whenever anybody buys a one way ticket to Iowa.
If your girlfriend dresses up like a sexy kitten, make it a couples costume! And go as a sexy litter box.
Roots are so childish. They just won’t grow up.
My friend said she was trying to have a baby so I got her a chainsaw. Probably the best way to halve a baby…