“I can’t believe I’m a wake at this hour.” -the ocean at night
I asked a little girl what her favorite class was, and she said “Upper Middle class.” I guess she was home schooled.
My cat got trapped within the wood panels of my door. She’s an “in door” cat.
“You’re not allowed to eat on the Subway!” -I yelled to the guy eating a sandwich standing on the roof.
Ordered a ton of food over the phone and asked for a coke.
Guy: Just ONE can of coke?
Me: Oh. Two. One for me… and one for my… friends
Mom did I spell “daughtor” wrong? Yes you were a mistake. I mean shit, there’s a spelling mistake we never wanted you. I mean close enough.
My hands are so huge I can’t use the phrase “I know this like the back of my hand.” Most of my hand hasn’t been explored or even discovered.
Give a fish a fish, and he’ll have a friend for a day. Teach a fish to fish, and murderer! He’ll be in jail for life.
Preheating the microwave is frowned upon.
Seriously guys, I am THE BEST at procrastinating. For example, hold on a sec.