The Year of the Ground Hog

I can’t be the first person to put Squirt Soda in a squirt gun, but I’m probably the first person to try to water my plants with it.

The Mega Bus sounds like a Transformer character, who’s alias is porta-potty.

If cats could vote there would be a female president.

Animals have more rights than humans! They don’t have to wear clothes or pay taxes, and they can pee wherever they want.

I keep hearing about this “Scientific Community.” I bet some messed up shit goes on there, but the schools are mice. I mean the schools are nice.

Whenever I do TV interviews, I always insist they blur out the faces of my stuffed animals. This isn’t about them, and they’re not going down with me!

Can I have a word with your manager? Thanks. Oh hi there manager, I have a quick question regarding your night club. The maximum capacity does not include bags full of noodles, correct? Perhaps I’m not being clear. How many bags of noodles equals one human? Thank you, let’s dance noodles. Let’s dance.

It says the cast is listed in order of appearance, but they got it all wrong! I think Sally Fields is WAY more attractive than Woody Harrelson. And what the heck was Guy Waiting in line #2 doing before Guy Waiting in line #5?

A snow cone is way better than a traffic cone. Better watch out for tasty lime treats!

When I went to school I used a “trapper and releaser,” because I’m a decent human being when it comes to paper.

Apr 17, 2013 | Posted by in Blog, featured | 0 comments

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