There should be a wine called The Hulk. Tagline, “It gets better with rage.”
I cried one time because my boyfriend didn’t slow the car down so I could wave at the mailman.
Hey Skittles commercials, your candy is already delicious, stop weirding people out. Show a bag of Skittles for 10 seconds and I’m hooked.
Replacing the word “recently” with “robot trampoline” makes most jokes a hundred times funnier, if not robotic.
Why do cable box remotes even HAVE volume buttons?
We have cartoons for adults. That’s how I know our generation is fucked.
There’s a song with the line: “Where have all the cowboys gone?” See nobody cares about the Indians.
I wish I was smart enough to use the word “fiscally” in a sentence correctly. I’m fiscally panda bear soup pigeon.
“Endangered is my middle name” -the rainforest.
Writing a coming of age story about a fruit fly. Just finished writing my coming of age story about a fruit fly.
I hope when people see my headshot 30 years from now they say: “Oh my God, Andy had hair?”
The number of characters in outdoorsy TV dramas that have a secret skill of tracking is mind boggling.