This life jacket is huge! I’m litteraly swimming in it.
When the clerk asks if you want paper or plastic, just say cotton, and start shoving things down your pants.
My favorite part about forks is pretending I’m holding hands with a baby robot.
Jesus wasn’t raised in a traditional family. He had a surrogate mom, and his “real dad” was a transgender ghost. He turned out fine.
“Yeah I’ve played there.” -Comedian points to The Laugh Factory.
“Yeah, I’ve played there too.” -Points to playground.
Sitting around in a circle trying to talk to ghosts doesn’t make any séance.
If they make a Twitter movie, it better have 140 characters or I’m going to be PISSED.
When I’m rich I’m going to do all my grocery shopping at movie theatres. 17 bucks for a pretzel and corn dog? I’ll take 30 of each!