If you were born on a pirate shit with a bunch of assholes, congratulations you have a lisp.
“To the batting cage!” -Bruce Wayne when he was in little league.
The bat mobile! What you hang over your baby’s crib if you’re creepy or it’s Halloween time.
I have a lot in common with doctors. We both wear pajamas to work, except I work at the bus stop selling dandelions.
When going clubbing, be careful not to break the seal.
I did a Yelp search for “help” and it said help was 32 miles away at a Burger King. Sounds about right.
Normal people have funny conversations. Comedians have conversations that end in, “So which one of us gets to tweet that?”
What did Lewis and Clark say when they got to the pacific? “Long time no sea.”
My favorite care bear is scary spice.
I want to earn a bachelor’s degree in not getting married.
“I have a wicker basket” -bragging to someone with a wick basket.
New hamster. My favorite state.
The homeless are just stray people.
When people try to tell me how to drive I like to say, “Why don’t you take a left at shut the fuck up.”
Buying a miniature swing set for my cat’s litter box.
Limousines look like a regular car is going warp speed.
Three cheers for making sure you have two hips! “Hip? Hip? Hurray!”
“Boohoo boohoo.” -Crying owl.
I don’t understand jet lag. Pretty sure I took a plane.
My friend was pissed that his favorite band Wilco wasn’t included in the list of 20 worst hipster bands. Hipsters are fucking weird.
Don’t brag about having a flat screen TV. Nobody has ever had a lumpy one.
Having a baby would be more fun if you got to lay in a pile of stuffed animals while the doctor used a claw machine to deliver the baby.
I turned in a photo of a cat crying and my teacher said it was supposed to be a 1,000 word essay. But a picture is worth 1,000 words, Right?
You don’t need a car to “hot box it.” You just need a fish tank and some dreams.
The truth will set you free. Unless you totally did murder that guy.
I never ran away from home as a kid, because I couldn’t decide whether I should bring my back brace or heart medication.
If I ever put stuff in storage I’m going to write “gold bars” and “priceless memorabilia” on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Officer: Put the gun down! Me: “Okay… Gun you are stupid and nobody likes you and you look like a failed Tetris piece!” Officer: *sighs* just set it on the ground please.
You’re never too old to wear a Halloween costume. Especially when you answer the door for the pizza delivery guy.
“Like a cat who hears cat food rustling” is my generations “Like a bat out of hell.”
I just ate 12 fortune cookies. I don’t think anybody could have predicted that.
ME: If you’re racist and you know it clap your hands. GUY: *clap clap* ME: omg really? GUY: sorry I just love clapping!