I wish Costco sold hamsters. Not sure if you would get a hundred hamsters, or a hamster the size of a dog, but I’d be pleased either way.
Blurtles. Turtles that blurt things out. Write that down.
When we can’t find a parking spot I like to mumble, “Should be called a parking little.”
Teenagers should be forced to live amish when they are 16 so they can see what real work feels like.
Whenever I hear people say “Bible verses,” I always hope a battle is about to breakout. It’s Bible Vs. Pikachu, GO!
A storm trooper is a toddler that doesn’t cry when he hears thunder.
Sometimes I sit on the floor in front of the fridge and eat deli meats. I call it the sad sandwich.
My friend told me he’s writing the sheet music for a movie. And I was like “Score!” and he was like, “Yeah…”
My therapist said I should stop talking about goats in public settings, and that I spend too much of our allotted time talking about goats.
My mom showed me her new luggage and I started crying. “Sorry, I’m case sensitive.”
My little cousin asked if it was hard to use a rotisserie phone. Yep. The entire phone rotated over a flame and was covered in sauces.
Sometimes I feel like people who run in marathons are just waiting for the zombie apocalypse so they can say I told you so.