Why did you buy these giant bottles of hair product? Well It’s hot out, and i wanted to turn up the hair conditioner.
I wonder if our sun is part of an alien planet’s constellation. I hope it’s the knee of a unicorn!
My grandpa told me he had a time machine. I got excited until I found out it was just a digital clock with false teeth on top.
I always yell “My fly is down!” when i ride the zipper.
“You can’t iron your clothes with a waffle. Wait, but what if you could? Take the day off science, and hand me those khakis!” -me every day.
The golf clap is mostly white noise.
Captain Hook is just a zombie with his shit together. Missing a leg, a hand and an eye, craving treasure instead of brains…
Me: Do you have any jokes about hammers?
Sears Employee: No… But we do have drill bits.