All my lamps look like they just got back from the vet

Why did you buy these giant bottles of hair product? Well It’s hot out, and i wanted to turn up the hair conditioner.

I wonder if our sun is part of an alien planet’s constellation. I hope it’s the knee of a unicorn!

My grandpa told me he had a time machine. I got excited until I found out it was just a digital clock with false teeth on top.

I always yell “My fly is down!” when i ride the zipper.

“You can’t iron your clothes with a waffle. Wait, but what if you could? Take the day off science, and hand me those khakis!” -me every day.

The golf clap is mostly white noise.

Captain Hook is just a zombie with his shit together. Missing a leg, a hand and an eye, craving treasure instead of brains…

Me: Do you have any jokes about hammers?
Sears Employee: No… But we do have drill bits.

Jun 25, 2012 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments

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