Wizards are lizards that are really good at peeing.

I always ignore the flight attendant’s talk about cabin pressure. I know all about that… You can’t forget the s’mores and the cribbage board.

I bought drugs from a squirrel once. They got the best Adderall.

There’s something about my purple sweatpants that makes me feel like royalty. Maybe it’s the camouflaged wine stains I got at church.

With all the money that gets donated to churches each year, you’d think they could afford a full liquor license and finally serve beer.

There’s no I in eye.

Don’t know why there was a homeless guy on the freeway, but judging by the thumbs up he gave me, I must’ve been driving pretty well.

“There’s no i in drunk!” -Yes there is, it’s the exclamation point. And just like you, it’s so wasted that it’s laying face down next to a garbage can.

Apr 18, 2012 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments

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