I saw a homeless guy dressed as a pirate and I was like “Pffffft. You don’t know where the treasure is.”
My voicemail used to include instructions on how to take care of a baby dinosaur, and my grandma would leave the most confused messages.
When two potheads breakup, all they want is joint custody.
I found this in one of my old notebooks, God i’m clever: “Spread the word. Wooooooooord.”
Before I eat them, I tell my oranges they look blue. That’s very complimentary.