My friend said to me: “If I was famous I’d go to Target and help people find things, just to make their day. That would be so awesome.” So I said, ”If you were famous you’d go work at Target?”
My grandma asked me where my neon yellow wristband was from, and I couldn’t resist saying “A really cool hospital!”
When a valley girl likes something on facebook, she like, likes it.
Zebras are fat. But nobody can tell.
Homeless people have to make their bed. No, like they have to build it.
Is passive aggressive when you punch someone then write a post-it note that says: is this your blood? It might be good if it wasn’t there 🙂
Clerk: How was your stay at our hotel?
Me: I used the bath mat as a wash rag.
Clerk: I’m so sorry.
Me: It wasn’t an accident.
“Travis offered to carry my flash drive to class today!” -girl in grade school, near future.
Bookshelves are like really smart ladders.
“I wish you were beer.” -postcard to my soda.