My battery died. I’m afraid to recharge it because you know. Zombie batteries…
MOM: “You’re such a night owl.”
ME: “All owls are night owls. You can just call me an owl.”
Bus drivers would make good pirate ship captains. I just said that out loud on the bus, and someone mumbled, “This is a space ship you dummy.”
Sometimes my closet feels like the waiting room of a stuffed animal hospital.
VEGAN: Please refer to me as, “my Lord.”
STUFFED ANIMAL: Yes, my Lord.
VEGAN: Good, now bring me something with granola in it.
They must be running out of puzzles on Wheel of Fortune. “Milking a squirrel” isn’t technically an event. But it should be, Vanna drunkenly whispered.
A Mormon came to the door, and I was convinced he was the pizza guy. But he insisted, “It’s not delivery, it’s delivery from evil.”
“You shouldn’t go to school to become a reverse psychologist. I didn’t.” – my reverse psychology teacher.
There’s usually a substantial amount of copyrighted material in my dreams. Last night a Lady Gaga song fathered a Nike swoosh.
Male lingerie is a dragon t-shirt, with an undershirt that says “my other shirt has a dragon on it.”