I bet you could get more people to go to your Gun Shows, if your ticket salesmen weren’t so douchey.
Chicken snuggets. Snuggies for chicken nuggets. That’s what they’ll think of next.
Dolphin using crutches. That’s what gets me out of bed every morning. I’m just so lucky I’m not a dolphin using crutches.
LADY: “I’m not handicapped, I’m a paralegal.”
ME: “Oh, but how did you get paralegalized? Was it a weird horse accident?”
The cyber tooth tiger. Real, or super real?
My friends are mad that I’ve been signing my texts as JFK, But I’m just fucking kidding.
We’ve all put boots on our hands and tried to drink a bag of gummy worms.
Doesn’t matter if it’s empty and you found it, and you plan on throwing it away. Don’t walk around work with a can of beer in hand your hand
I get all my geography knowledge from a snow globe. Bet you didn’t know our atmosphere was glitter and vodka.
I yell “Chinese Fire Drill” while on the bus all the time, but they never let me back on.