Jokes are like kittens. You have to feed them using a snorkel.

I guess you’re not supposed to use hairspray on babies. I’m sorry! I thought it was pepper spray.

Midnight snacks are better than daytime snacks, because you get to pretend you’re a vampire and yell things like “Pasta Vs. Germany!”

All delivery guys are allowed to be high. Except baby delivery guys. Which is dumb, because they don’t even need to bring the baby anywhere. 

If a mummy is sleep walking, how can you tell?

I wish whenever I got an email, a man came to my door. Just like the good old days. -My grandparents.

As a kid, being lost meant not knowing exactly where your mom was. 

I like going through checkout lines then telling the cashier I was a secret shopper, and that they could’ve won a trip to Disney Land, if they hadn’t asked me if i wanted to sign up for that stupid charge card.

The Phantom of the Soap Opera, is about a bad actor who gets amnesia and sleeps with his neighbor’s mailman, not realizing that they had the same mailman.

One time, a lady came up to me after a show and asked if ladies really do come up to me after shows. And I said “Yep, and they always ask stupid questions.”

Since homeless people don’t have chimneys, they get their presents in barrels of burning garbage. Their present is garbage.

Jan 6, 2012 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments

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