The mice in my apartment are the elephant in the room. But thank god there isn’t an elephant in the room or it’d be so pissed.
“I eat waffles like you for breakfast!” -What I say to the dumbest waffle every night before I go to bed.
I watched a book today. It was way worse than the movie.
Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? I make 3 figures a year, okay buddy! (what I say when I get into an argument)
I’ve found that adding “or whatever” to the end of something makes it more awkward. Or whatever…
Someone with terrible showmanship: “Yep sir, this is the uh… ship… I guess.”
If you go on a hunger strike for three days, at least you get a turkey.