#1 I bet people with OCD wish it was called obsessive compulsive order.
#2 I got to the end of the toilet paper roll and yelled “You’re a terrible mummy!”
#3 I was watching Shark Night 3D and it made me wish that the 3rd dimension was an alternate Dimension. One where i wasn’t watching Shark Night 3D.
#4 People who set their clocks 10 minutes behind are cocky assholes. They’re like i don’t care if i’m running late, i’m in a different time zone. A time zone of cocky assholeville.
#5 I overheard two crazy homeless guys arguing, and i was surprised to find that they cared about Football. Until i realized they were talking about actual Vikings and Bears.
#6 As a comedian i say “Thanks for having me” a lot on stage. Whenever my mom is in the audience though, i really mean it.
#7 Whenever i see silverware wrapped in a napkin at a restaurant, i like to exclaim, “Oh! A metal burrito appetizer for my robot friend!”
#8 The meanest thing anyone has ever done to me is say “Hey Andy, do you remember Jen and Peter?” Because i said “Yes of course.” To which my friend replied, “Oh well this is Kate and Philip. Kate and Philip, meet Andy, the liar.” I probably shouldn’t have yelled “You’re a liar too!” But it felt good.
#9 Butter tastes good on corn. Butter does not taste good on Corn Flakes.
#10 My Hamster can’t speak english, but i did teach him Mouse Code. Squeak squeak squeeeeeak squeak squeeeeeak squeeeeeak squeak. This way he can Fraternize with the enemy.
#11 I can’t speak spanish, but i can squeak Spanish: (very squeaky voice) tacos. sombrero. spanish for hotdog. I can squeak german too: (very squeaky voice) rawr rawr volkswagon.
#12 Whenever i see a fat helium balloon floating in the sky, I like to say “Man he’s really let himself go.”
#13 Taking drugs sounds harder than it actually is. You don’t have to steal them from anyone. You can just buy them.
#14 I’m sorry if the punch lines of my jokes disappoint you. But at least now you know how your parents felt when you told them you didn’t want to take piano lessons anymore.
#15 If you don’t think evolution exists, then explain Megatron.
#16 A smoke detector with a low battery sounds like a cricket being punched by a very consistent bigger cricket.
#17 There is a time and place for everything. But it’s usually never the Great Clips Parking lot at 2 AM.
#18 I was hanging out at a restaurant near bar close, and was told that I could have some french fries if i wanted some, because otherwise they were going to throw them away. It’s a nice gesture but why add the part where you’re going to throw them away? It just makes me feel like I’m eating garbage.
#19 You’re either fake pot, or a crocodile in a weird bowl. And either way it’s nice to meet you, Crock Pot.
#20 I think when god made pine cones, he was being sarcastic.
#21 whenever i see people using their hand like a visor to shield their eyes from the sun, i like to yell “At ease soldiers, for I am Captain Sunshine!”
#22 Don’t buy prancake bratter. It doesn’t exist, and it’s not British.
#23 My grandma gets the word cold and cool confused and I have to correct her a lot. This isn’t a cold new song, and nobody fought in the cool war. Wars aren’t cool grandma.
#24 The supreme court will always sound like a place where a type of pizza hangs out near a place where basketball happens.
#25 I like typing “cess” as the subject line of my emails. That way when the person respond, it says “re:cess” and i get to exclaim, “Yeah! time to play outside and take a break from this stupid email!”
#26 Whenever the fire alarm went off in school, i was never worried for our safety, i was more concerned that the lunch ladies were burning a giant pizza.
#27 Parachute pants just make my arms and torso jealous.
#28 A depressed gingerbread man will resort to being a cookie cutter.
#29 Quote from an actual squirrel news station reporter who likes puns. “The aftermath was terrible. I have no idea how many squirrels were injured. Because of course it was after math, and we couldn’t count anymore. It’s quite nuts.”
#30 Why aren’t there snowwomen.
#31 The first hipster has the most bragging rights of anything ever. At least among it’s weirdo friends.
#32 When i wear my seat belt I pretend like it’s a pageant sash. “Hello, I’m Miss Oldsmobile Cutlass 1997. I love kittens, driving the speed limit, and complete stops.”
#33 I hate when people stick gum under tables. Which is why i duct taped that desk to the gum ball machine in the lobby. Guilty as charged. But irony wins forever.
#34 Whenever I’m stopped at a red light, I have to fight the urge to go into my t-shirt spiel.
#35 The phrase “You know who you are” is insensitive to people with multiple personalities. And yes i may be the person who drank the rest of the coffee without brewing a new pot, but you don’t know who i am so i guess it doesn’t matter. (what i think it would be like have an office job.)
#36 If you’re going to be a tranny, why not be a superhero too? Definitely a missed opportunity.
#37 Friend: “That ice cream store was something else.” Me: “Wait what was it? This better be goddamn ice cream.”
#38 Have you heard of the fight against obesity? All I’m saying is i think we got this one in the bag. Fat people are slow and have less skills. In hand to hand combat, we have the edge. Let’s do this.
#39 nervous laughter is awkward… But confident laughter is annoying. Who do you think you are? A ha ha hero?
#40 My friend told me she had a pumpkin patch, and i told her i didn’t know she was addicted to pumpkins.
#41 Being rich is like being a real genie. I think Donald Trump hides his lamp in his hair.
#42 I think babies are slightly more important than balls. Which is why i think the saying should be changed to “You really dropped the baby on that one.”
#43 My friend told me she thought being passive aggressive was worse than being aggressive. But i tend to disagree. Because if Hitler would have been passive aggressive, I think the jews would have been able to deal with heated post-it notes, rather than heated… well you know what happened.
#44 I once asked a waiter if i could order food, and i got the response “Right now?” The fact that i didn’t respond sarcastically should at least keep me out of the hell where people go who are shitty to people in the service industry.
#45 When a bum asks someone for a smoke, they can just say “Give me a smoke.”
#46 i think they messed up when they made the American flag. I’m pretty sure not all of the states are stars. Wisconsin’s should be replaced with the shape of an outie belly button, and New York should be the star of David.
#47 I want a siamese twin to become president.
#48 Shaking hands can become holding hands, if you’re spry. And soon enough you’ll get that promotion at the zoo.
#49 I didn’t realize my parents were potheads, until i found out none of my other friends would “Pack a bowl” for Santa on Christmas Eve.
#50 When you’re the only person on the bus, it feels like a limo. Especially when you bring your mini fridge filled with turkey and vodka aboard as well.
#51 Ever since doing comedy, whenever I’m stopped at a red light, I feel like it helps to give a nod, so the light knows you saw it.
#52 I used to think the powers rangers were a dance troupe. “gogo power rangers.”
#53 I heard a young teenager yell at a pay phone “I just want to send a text message!” It was a weird clash of technology and hegemony. And it was awesome.
#54 A homeless guy on a bus offered me some acorns. I assumed he was the new honorary bus/flight attendant, and i accepted.
#55 A kangaroo sounds like you’re playing a sneaky australian trick. “I see you pulled the ole kangaroo there when you switched my beer with a pair of goat pants.”
#56 Fosters. Australian for “I adopted this kid.”
#57 I know this cheese sandwich has the secret information! That’s why I grilled it.
#58 Even if you don’t go to dinasaur high school, you should still call your old teachers “Professoraurus.”
#59 The panteater must have gone extinct. Because ants don’t wear pants.
#60 I tell my jokes to old people when i want to feel stupid.
#61 I wish pokemon snap was a course i could’ve taken instead of photography.
#62 The 5th amendmant is the only one that can be plead. I learned that the medium hard way.
#63 I’d prefer to learn things the easy way, so if I’m about to put my hand on a pile of sharks, please feel free to give me a shout out.
#64 Don’t text and roller coaster.
#65 I told my zombie joke and i got a bunch of groans. I think that’s a good thing.
#66 Famous quote “Great mines think EXPLOSION!”
#67 After watching Star Trek it was obvious the Patriots were going to win the American Revolution. Those red coats were doomed from the start.
#68 If the Indians can do a rain dance to summon the rain, I can do a car dance to call a cab.
#69 The next time I get high I’m going to read chapter 4 verse 20 of some book in the bible. Somebody remind me.
#70 if i had a pickle for every time i got the letter n and p, confused. I’d have enough to be a dill nickle.
#71 You can’t make promises when you’re high. Only mystery adventure plans.
#72 In confidence, I don’t know what that means.
#73 I had a stage coach for comedy once. But then the horses road away with it.
#74 I saw an ad on TV that stated, “We’re more than Lawyers. We’re human beings.” I think in order to be more than a lawyer, you need to say something that’s not already a given. Bragging that you’re human makes me think i’d rather have a fish wearing a turtleneck on my side. Because a fish wearing a turtleneck is more than a fish. It’s your friend, and it has style.
#75 A hamster the size of a whale. That’s what I want for christmas. And a whale wheel.
#76 I’m king of the handicapped people, and this handicapped bathroom is my throne! It’s gigantic. (I’d be lying if i said i’ve never written that on a bathroom wall.)
#77 I saw passion of the Chrysler. I might have made most of it up though. But that car sure could heal people, and it had a nice warranty.
#78 When people say “Only in America” i think they’re secretly including Canada.
#79 A slice of pizza might look like the front triangle piece of a thong, but it makes your jeans fit weird.
#80 When an Alligator tells a bad joke I say “Swamp swamp.” Like right now for instance.
#81 Glue your mitten on your head.
#82 I trained my nose so i can eat stuff with it. I call my nose my top mouth.
#83 I don’t get why some toilet paper is made out of quilts. I’m like what is that for? To keep the poops warm?
#84 Elephants would love cocaine. Not because they have big noses. because cocaine is the best.
#85 baby silverware gets delivered from sporks.
#86 Whenever somebody asks where i got something, i prefer to say that i won it in a claw machine. It really ups my cred.
#87 If you try to double cross me then you’re like Netflix after you’ve just mailed in a DVD. Because you’ve got another thing coming.
#88 I think it’s awesome to not eat meat and work in carnivals. Because then you’d be a vegetarian carny.
#89 Who’s cooler. Ghandi or Jesus?
#90 The only time you can say Toodles is if you’re about to be electrocuted in an electric chair.
#91 The electric slide is not a punishment for kids on death row. It’s a dance eels do at the playground.
#92 Yeah… I’ve gotten North and South Dakota confused with North and South Korea. So what.
#93 Whenever I send a mass email, i always CC Massachusetts.
#94 I want to create a website called the forest, just so people can log in.
#95 I wish they had summer camps for adults. The closest thing I could find was rehab.
#96 I don’t think Latin Hamster, is the latin name for hamster.
#97 I hate when you have to read something in a movie. I always yell “What is this? a book!?”
#98 I don’t think it’s fair that musicians get to use notes.
#99 I saw a police car’s vanity plate, and i realized a lot of officers like polish ice. Whatever that is.
#100 When my car is running low on fuel, I wish i could just turn the radio to the gas station.