When my ringtone comes on the radio, i yell “hello almighty one!” Because it sounds like god is calling.
i like to dress up in a giant rock costume and go to a hair cutting place and whisper “I’m better than you.” Because rock beats scissors.
What instrument do sheep play? The tubaaaaa
I replaced my cell phone with a piece of hard salami, with the word “live” on it.
“Why is my grass so fucking green” -Guy on the other side.
As amazing as pancakes are, they are the worst type of cake.
I’m going to tell my kids that midgets are mythical creatures. So when they see one for the first time, they’ll know that dreams do come true.
My mom told me not to take everything so literally. And I said, “Everything, EVERYTHING? You think I take EVERYTHING literally? I don’t take EVERYTHING literally. That is a lot of things. Mom.”
I stabbed a guy with a rainbow, then I got sent to prism.