If only parrots could lather and rinse.

joint custody would be way easier if it were actually a joint. People love sharing joints.

My cat’s so fat i look at her and i just start laughing. 

i don’t like fishing. The last time i went, a musky stole my password and changed my facebook status to “bubble bubble fatties fatties fatties.”

i walk with two canes just to make my legs jealous. 

i have big hands, so people often ask if i play the piano. It gets annoying, so instead i tell them my big hands make me really good at strangling people.

Looking back, giving a speech in school wasn’t so bad. It’s way easier than doing stand-up. The only heckler was a pencil sharpener, the teacher was the only elderly person in the audience, and back then, nobody looked to the asian kid after you made fun of ninjas. It was great. 

Jun 8, 2011 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments

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