joint custody would be way easier if it were actually a joint. People love sharing joints.
My cat’s so fat i look at her and i just start laughing.
i don’t like fishing. The last time i went, a musky stole my password and changed my facebook status to “bubble bubble fatties fatties fatties.”
i walk with two canes just to make my legs jealous.
i have big hands, so people often ask if i play the piano. It gets annoying, so instead i tell them my big hands make me really good at strangling people.
Looking back, giving a speech in school wasn’t so bad. It’s way easier than doing stand-up. The only heckler was a pencil sharpener, the teacher was the only elderly person in the audience, and back then, nobody looked to the asian kid after you made fun of ninjas. It was great.