Sometimes I pet my piggy bank and yell “I’m a bank rubber! Catch me if you can!”

The first wednesday of every month at 1:00 pm the tornado sirens go off. So, the first Wednesday of every month at 12:59 pm I like to go to elementary school playgrounds and tell the kids I am a Jesus dinosaur, and that I can make the dinosaurs in heaven roar!!! And then right on cue, at 1:00 pm they do. The sirens go off and it sounds exactly like dinosaurs in space. And the children although frightened, do not scream, for there is a calm one feels when in the true presence of a real Jesus dinosaur impersonator. The kids put their arms in the air and praise me. Then. at 1:02 pm the rawr sound abates, and the trance is broken. And I must flee the playground before the teachers catch me.

don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Also, Don’t count your fingers until you’re sure chickens aren’t going to bite them off while you sleep.

I was the black sheep in my family, but my mom really liked making black sweaters out of my wool, so it was actually a good thing, and I was such a hit at Christmas parties.

Tip: Analogies only work one way. You can say “That old lady gave me a look that was cold as ice.” but you can’t say “That ice cube looked at me like an old lady.”

I like when holiday candy has a place where you can write in a “To:” and a “From:” it makes me so happy, because I can write in whatever I want. To: Andy, here are some jelly beans. You can pretend they are marbles! From: A hungry hungry hippo. To: babies, you can’t eat candy, so give this to Andy. From: a real doctor.

Chemists aren’t superficial, but Hydrogen gets pretty starstruck.

May 4, 2011 | Posted by in Posts | 0 comments

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