Always wear a top hat to job interviews. That way when they ask about your weaknesses, you can point to your hat and say “I’m too frikken awesome.”
i like to pretend that curtains are capes, and my windows are superheroes! Protecting me from birds and minorities.
Today somebody said it cost them 70 dollars in gasoline to fill their tank, and I was like, why are you driving a tank? Gas is so expensive!
if the earth was a cake, i’d want a mountain piece. not world piece, you fatties.
i accidentally wore two hoodies today. Probably because a hipster sneezed on me yesterday.
i wish there was a way to describe how i feel about cat’s pajama’s without being redundant.
Ironic bible joke: Who would win in a fight, jesus or a dinosaur? Jesus, because dinosaurs never existed.
Does a Mormon cat have 9 wives?
Several years ago, an explorer asked a jamaican, “How many wives do you want?” and he replied, “More mon” and the religion was created.