if someone is a good sport, they’re usually not good at sports.
My friend is always trying to get me to eat pears. I hate pear pressure
A little kid truck: Mom! There’s a monster truck in my bed! No honey, that’s just hay. Turn your brights off and go to sleep.
You ever get so high that you look at the ceiling and see the light bulb and think “Shit. Am i in an easy bake oven?”
My apartment is haunted and I’m starting to think the ghost is smoking my weed and eating all my Doritos.
I like to roll up my sleeve on just my right arm so people think I ride a bike, but that I don’t know how to ride a bike. (does peddle motion with arms)
Old people peer pressure: if all your friends were playing bridge, would you play bridge too?
Have you ever thought to yourself, “That’s either a loaf of bread… or a giant bread sandwich.”