I like my valley girls like I like my analogies. Like, with the word like. Like a bunch.
I put pants on my omelets just like everybody else. One egg at a time.
My favorite part about getting home schooled by alcoholics was that instead of taking tests, we’d go do bar trivia at buffalo wild wings. Whoever got 4 camoflage hats by the end of the year got an A. When us kids graded our mom teacher, we always gave her an AA.
The grim reefer: a pessimistic coral reef. That makes good brownies.
When tow truck drivers play monopoly they always yell “there’s no such thing as free parking!” then they put the car piece in jail and then they barf into the thimble. Then my grandma yells “we’re in a recession!” and mortgages everything and burns the paper money for warmth. And my cousin’s like “who’s turn is it?!!” and I think to myself “I wonder if there’s a game called oligopoly…”
If you’re like me, you can never remember the correct way to draw a swastica. That’s why I made up this rhyme: “righty tighty, lefty Looouke skywalker… He might have been a Jew but probably not. “
Santa is almost spelled like Satan. I like to think that the bible just has a bunch of typos and the true battle us between Jesus and Santa.