i was talking to a mexican about soy milk. And then he tried to put me in a glass and drink me.
Dinosaurs are like the native americans. If asteroids were the white man. But if christopher columbus had found dinosaurs in the new world… we would have needed more than blankets and false promises.
Secretary of the Treasury sounds important but it’s just a fancy name for a lame pirate.
My polling place was at a church. but it turned out to be a trick. pretty sure i got baptized.
Whenever i use a glue gun i pretend it’s a hostage situation. i definitely overuse the phrases “stick em up,” and “this is a sticky situation.” and “i’m RUBBER AND GLUE!”
Whenever i see a hummingbird, i’m like don’t worry mate, i can’t whistle either, that doesn’t mean i’m not a real bird.
“You cannot sneeze with your eyes open.” -That’s always sounded inspirational to me.