Do you think that when a giraffe sees chris Knutson for the first time, it’s like, oh sweet, a real midget! #stubbyLegsAndStubbyFace.
Do you think chris Knutson likes eating keebler cookies? Or do you think he’s sick of them after being around them all day at work? #itsEdgyBecauseI’mReallyTall. #NateAbshireWroteThisOne
I actually like Shannon Thompson better than Tommy Thompson. At least he isn’t always talking about his arm. #nobodyCaresAboutArms
I’d like to do an impression of Patrick Bauer: “I’m not a pedofile!, I’m a freelance pediatrician!” #iWantToBeYourHealthPartner
I’ve heard comedians say that Tim Harmston in the comedy scene is like a coach. Well he’s more like a Coach Purse. Because he’s actually just Mary Mack’s baggage. #andHeIsNotEvenEcoBaggage.
Do you think that when bob edwards saw his baby for the first time, he was like oh no, did I get drunk and sleep with my girlfriend? My comedian friends are gonna be pissed! #accident
When I made the poster for this event, Bob Edwards wouldn’t let me include the line “remember when the twin towers fell? That sure sucked,” So he made me redo them. But I’m like, that’s what you want me to change? he didn’t even notice that I included Dave Johnson as a comedian. Just kidding dave, you are a NICE GUY.
I had a really good day recently, because I saw Bill Young in an elevator, and I was like, good for you! Actually I wasn’t surprised to see bill in an elevator. #BillGetsStuckOnTheStairsLikeASlinky.
Every time Nicholas Anthony rings a bell a girl named angel gets herpes. #andByBellIMeanRapeWhistle
I’m pretty sure AIDS is here to stay. Just like Brooks Robinson. #untilTheAidsGetsHim.
When my dad saw Brooks Robinson he was like, whoa he’s a hipster. And I asked my mom, if she thought I was a hipster… and she no, of course not honey, because God made you, and God doesn’t make mistakes. #plaidMistakes
Things I’ve learned from Brandon Reynoso: 1. Smoking a bowl is not when you put tupperwear in an easy bake oven. 2. After you smoke a bowl, you’re 12% more likely, to put tupperwear in an easy bake oven.
The only thing missing from this roast is our asian friend Brian Shelsby. I thought today was the day we were gonna burn the Korean. #oneletteroffterrorisms #insteadofKoran #get it?
Do you think tommy ryman ever looks in the mirror and is like, hey, my mom was right. She IS a homo. #ladyhomo
I don’t know if you guys know this, but erik allen isn’t very famous on twitter, so he wants to make sure his kid is famous on twitter by giving him a good twitter name. like Greg. Except he’s going to spell it with an @ symbol in front of it. So when people ask how they can contact him, he’ll be like…. @greg. #FollowFriday
Erik Allen’s Dick Ain’t like a Visa. It’s everywhere you don’t want to be. #insideFatChicks RT @roastOfDarylHorner.