I guilt tripped on acid: “FINE i’m sorry i took the colors from the elephants. i’ll give them back to the wizard. But i’m keeping the poof!”
Have you ever overheard a conversation between two crickets? it’s awkward. chirp. chirp.
When I see bikers signal with their arm like they’re gonna make a left turn, I pretend they’re playing toilet tag.
my imaginary enemies keep making fun of all my cool hats. i have too many cool hats. with hats like these who needs imaginary enemies.
Ohhh what’s my biggest FEAR. I thought you asked what’s my biggest SPHERE. And no, I’m not afraid of beach balls
i’m going to use my tinfoil to make blankets and socks for my potatoes and bananas
i’m tall & my sister is short. When people ask why, i say i inherited my height from a giraffe and my sister got hers from a smaller giraffe
i throw the worst theme party’s. the theme of my last party was “i hope somebody comes” which is probably because the theme of the party before that was “andy’s gonna get wasted and cry until we find her hamster.”
I like to hang “now firing” signs on store windows, just to scare the employees.