I like to face two vending machines together. And I play vending machine battleship. D5! You sunk my twizzlers nibs! E7! You sunk my animal crackers!
Danke roo. That’s how you say thank you to an australian covered in frosting.
I think pirates are just bad at giving speeches. That’s why they say rummm and errrrr, a lot.
If life gives you aids, make an aids baby.
I fold all my money into origami cranes. Then i spend them at fast food places and say “Maybe one day you’ll have enough birds to fly away.”
i’m so poor, that i can’t even say dollar bill. my money’s like please, call me Dollar Williams. only my friends call me bill.
The rule of threesomes: you need two kinda normal people, then one unexpected person to make it really funny.
My room’s not messy, I just have a lot of conversation pieces. Like my dirty pants. They remind me of the time I somehow spilled pee on the inside of my jeans.
I figured it out. We’re all just god’s sheep. He counts us when he’s trying to fall asleep.
tuna: chicken of the c word.