Whenever I give my stuffed animals a hug I like to add “there’s more where that came from.”
I’ve used entire rolls of film taking pictures of stuffed animals. My parents were so pissed. That was back before digital cameras were invented and back before beating your kids was frowned upon.
I don’t like going deer hunting, but I will go deer haunting. I go out in the woods and say things to spook the deer. Like “remember bambi’s mom! And I know you haven’t seen that movie because deer can’t watch movies, but bambi’s mom isn’t “with us” anymore, and that’s kind of spooky! and its the only movie I can think of that has deer in it that the audience will connect with later when I tell this joke”
Robots love taking bits and bites out of my sandwiches.
I think people who don’t know what time it Is are stupid. When they ask me if I have the time, I’m like well there’s an idiot at 4 o’clock.
Whittier is a word. Type it into something. See, no red line underneath. I don’t know what it means but I feel like it’s derogatory towards my people.
I don’t have a farmers tan, but I do have a farmviller’s tan, meaning that I’m pasty white all over my body.
The phrase “it’s the last straw” is stupid. Chill out man, if it’s the last straw then just drink right from the cup, jeez, no need to over react.
I like to bring corn on the cob to movie theaters, and when I’m up at the counter I order a bucket of popcorn, then I take out the cob and point it at the bucket of popcorn and yell, “SEE this is what they did to your family! Orville reddenbocker will pay for this!!”