When I grow up I’m going to have a pantry, and I’m going to put pants in it. Then I’m going to have a shirtry, and I’m going to put food and canned goods in it. Then they’ll know what it feels like.
That would be sweet if everything a vampire bit into turned into a vampire. Like vampire sandwiches.
I bet turtles have down syndrome. Their entire bodies are helmets, and they’re really slow.
I don’t like when people call it soccer. It’s called footsy.
my philosophy on twitter is different than in real life. on twitter, i really don’t care if strangers follow me. in fact i encourage it.
Every time somebody calls it twatter, a bird vomits in a whale’s blow hole. you’re not clever or funny, and you’re just hurting animals.
How come there’s orion’s belt, but not orion’s pants?
I bet when the president of bp goes golfing, he insists that oil be gushing out of all the holes, and then he stabs a friendly squirrel with a 9 iron.
Jesus once said “Don’t quote me on this but robots shouldn’t wear pants.” That was in the book of segaGenesis.
i love storms. i just wish they didn’t make you weaker and steal your powers.