When people type with all capital letters, it makes them seem scary. That’s why guns are intimidating because they’re all caps.
Do you know why they call it piracy when you download music illegally? Because a ninja wouldn’t get caught.
When customers are annoying at a restaurant a waitress will spit in their food. When an audience is bad, I will spit in their minds.
333 is the number of the midget devil.
I keep a globe in my pocket. It reminds me of how big we all really are.
ever since i started doing comedy, I like going to restaurants and telling people to tip the wait staff.
“Great minds think alike” -A Guide to Hackneyed Comedy
The oil spill is like the time I spilled milk at the dinner table. Except tourism wasn’t effected. And my dad can’t hit BP with a belt.
Have you heard Alanis Morissette’s song about chemistry, isn’t it ionic
What if I kicked a bowl of punch.
lightning doesn’t strike twice. unless your boyfriend’s nickname is lightning.
I’m not crying! My eyes are just watery! and it makes me sad
Toothcombs sound like a genius invention if you’re drunk off mouth wash. But really, there’s no place for the paste.
Vandalism is a type of religion where you believe in being mean to vans. The vehicle and the shoes.