It’s kinda mean but it’s also kinda fun to hang out in a public restroom, and every time a lady walks in, to be like “Ummm, this is the lady’s room…” and they’re like “but i am a lady!”
How do you know if a bouncy ball is leaving or not. Maybe its just “gotta bounce.”
I like to do acid, then play the bass, it evens everything out.
Answering machines sound way more advanced then they really are. I used to ask answering machines questions, and then they would just do a pretty accurate impression of me, kind of mockingly, but in a robots voice.
A stunt double cheeseburger.
Slumberland: THE MOVIE! it’s just like zombieland: THE MOVIE! except it’s a bunch of beds that go crazy and jump on people! “Oh no, that’s not fair!” woody hollers. And then the bed’s like “do you want to know your sleep number? because you’re sleep number is DEAD!”
Miniature horses are not used for coal mining. i think i read that somewhere.
I think being good at keeping secrets is like the worst skill to have, because nobody will ever know.
I wish I had a drunk double. Dude was that you, pretending you were in a unicorn parade last night? I got tons of pictures with you throwing candy and pretending you were a horse? No, that wasn’t me, that was my drunk double. Thaaaaat’s me, off to the side, going over my lines for the next bit.
strangers usually don’t have candy.
Why didn’t they have a trail of tears game, instead of the Oregon trail. They make the Oregon trail seem terrible, but in the trail of tears everybody is crying the whole time, and you end up in oklahomo, which sucks balls.
I don’t want to be a Buddhist, I’m like boo, dis.
Wind is a dumb friend. It blows, actually. Hey wind can you pass me that leaf. Swish swish swish all over the place Fine, i’ll just pick up my own leaf.
I’m a regular drug user. When people tell me what size of drug I want, I say, regular.
Dear Indian people, you’re supposed to dot your eye’s, not your forehead.