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This week we have a very special edition of Unicorn Reviews. Because this past week the amazing UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO was unleashed onto the unsuspecting public!
The Unicorn Frappuccino was conceived several months ago when a millennial and a dolphin went rollerblading together. While blading down the sidewalk they came across a lemonade stand owned and operated by a rainbow. They served mango lemonade and only blue sour skittles, and cream. The rest is history.
Now, you shouldn’t judge a Unicorn Frappuccino by it’s cover. Because the cover is just a plastic dome shape and it’s rather quite generic. It has a nice sized hole in the top and fits onto cups, but honestly it doesn’t say much about the contents of the beverage. Instead, judge a Unicorn Frappuccino by it’s sparkle. And holy buckets does this drink sparkle.
I was instantly enticed by the swooshy swirls of blue, pink, light pink, dark pink, soft pink, neon pink, gay pink, straight pink, boy pink, girl pink, non gender conforming pink, pink panther pink, and pinky pink. It looked like what a unicorn’s brain would look like on crack. As the drink melted the blue began to takeover the pink in a sprawling, manifest destiny fashion. It was like watching paint dry, but like while you’re on crack.
I absolutely adored the poofy white cloud of whipped cream on top of the drink covered in a magical dusting of sugar. It looked like a soft mountain that I wanted to jump into. And we can’t forget about the horn. The skinny green horn burst free from the top of the cloud proudly and declared, I’m a unicorn, and my horn is also a straw! BAM!
I wish I could have a Unicorn Frappuccino every day. But they were only here from April 19th to the 23rd, and most Starbucks stores ran out before then.
Thankfully I got mine the first day at an airport Starbucks and I got to taste it while everyone around clapped and cheered and took my picture and asked, “How is it?”
And that’s where we are now. I’m sure you’re all wondering what it tasted like. And I have to be honest here. It was really good… But it just wasn’t sugary enough. It tasted kind of sweet, but not sweet enough. It’s like they’d never had a meal cooked by a unicorn before. It was close. Definitely close to seeming authentic, and to the untrained mouth it may have been indiscernible from the real thing, but I’ve been around the block a few times. It’s a block made out of rainbow legos and ego waffles, and that’s where all the unicorn’s live. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVED the mango and the blue sourness. It was like a dream wrapped in a dream with a dream on top, all getting sucked up into a straw. But there just wasn’t enough sugar.
I really hope Starbucks brings them back again, just like the McRib. Unicorns need more attention and awareness so anything that brings them to the spotlight is wonderful.
Starbucks Frappuccino, thank you for existing. xoxox 10 stars.
Thank you for reading and if you liked this review, you should preorder my new ebook “Finally, Unbiased Reviews of Unicorn Images.” You can preorder here.
For more unicorn reviews, visit my unicorn blog here!
Here are a few one liners and joke premises I'm currently working on. Feedback is welcome and appreciated! Like any jokes? Not like any jokes? Not sure what the joke is supposed to be? Let me know! xoxo
New Rule: If you make your baby wear a headband with a bow on it, you should also be required to wear a headband with a bow on it.
Waffles are like pancakes in jail.
Me: I invented the first ever queen sized candy bar.
Sharktank: You just crossed out 'king,' and added a unicorn sticker.
Me: so QVC?
News: Jeremy Renner passes on MI:6 to appear in Ant Man and The Wasp
Me: Andy Erikson passes on Open Mic to appear in Sweat Pants and the Kitchen
I say "no worries" a lot and today a friend told me he hates that phrase.
I didn't know what to say. I was just like "no worries."
What's a dirty knock knock joke called?
A ding dong.
I feel like most snapchat filters are just a gateway to becoming a furry.
Dear hotels: Pillow options. That's all I'm asking. You got 8 pillows in this room and they're all the same...
A new study shows that people who don't use Facebook are happier.
But how are they going to tell people?
One day I just want to be rich enough to use the "sort price from high to low" feature.
Do you love unicorns, comedy and art? Then you will love my new ebook!
This ebook is a compilation of unicorn reviews based on unicorn art created by talented artists from all over the country. The book started as the super awesome unicorn blog: unicornratings.tumblr.com if you love the blog, you will love this book, as it includes never before seen images, and bonus material not available online!
The working title is: “Finally, Unbiased Reviews of Unicorn Images.”
For a limited time it's only $5! You should preorder here! And I will be your best friend!
And, as an extra bonus, here's a sneak peak of the never before seen unicorn image I will be reviewing on Monday January 30th!
I post new reviews every Monday at unicornratings.tumblr.com. Thank you for reading and for your insight and feedback too!
I’m excited to announce that I will be guest starring on a television show!
The show is called Scream Queens and it’s on Fox.
The show airs Tuesday Nov 15th at 9/8c, and it will also be available on Hulu and Fox’s website.
And guess what else?!
I’m also excited that my character on the show has Marfan Syndrome :)
Basically the dream job.
This is a great opportunity to spread awareness and I will be doing my best to get on local TV news stations, as well as podcasts and web shows to talk about the show but more importantly, to talk about my heart condition called Marfan Syndrome. Awareness saves lives, and it’s important for everyone to know the signs. It’s not very often that Marfan Syndrome gets mentioned on television. And we’re typically seen as just patients on dramatic medical shows. Well on this show I’m not just a patient that is sick. I got to play a more layered and fun role. And it was awesome.
The cast, crew, creator and everyone involved were amazing. They took care of me on set. When I had back pain I was able to take a break, when my feet hurt they found different shoes, and when I told them about my heart condition, they listened and were excited to spread awareness as well. I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone involved, and I’m thankful that the writers, casting directors and Ryan Murphy made it a point to try to hire an actress who had Marfan Syndrome. It has been a dream come true.
I also want to note that this show is not a “PC” show and it does have violence, and perhaps isn’t a show that young children should watch. I recommend parents watch the episode first and then decide if you want to show your children the entire episode/series or just certain parts.
I love the show. It’s silly, over the top, edgy and really really funny. I don’t think television needs to reflect the ideal world, it’s purpose is to entertain us and to explore that which is not just good, but also evil and the struggles that mirror the real world.
I really really hope you watch the show and enjoy seeing someone with Marfan’s Syndrome on television. This was an amazing opportunity that has opened more doors and will allow me to continue to follow my dreams and inspire others with medical illnesses to follow their dreams as well.
I love you all and thank you all for the support! I will be posting again following the episode and I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
PS: Do you have a podcast, blog, web show, or work for a news organization and would like to learn more about Marfan Syndrome? Or hey, do you know Ellen Degeneres? :) PLEASE REACH OUT! My email is: firstname.lastname@example.org
AND here are the signs of Marfan Syndrome:
- Long arms, legs and fingers
- Tall and thin body type
- Curved spine
- Chest sinks in or sticks out
- Flexible joints
- Flat feet
- Crowded teeth
- Stretch marks on the skin that are not related to weight gain or loss
Please go to https://www.marfan.org/ to learn more!
And don't forget to join my mailing list!
Apr 13 – Fresh out LA! At UCB Sunset
Apr 15 – Punchline Punchout at Hollywood Improv Lab
Apr 20 – Brave New Workshop
Apr 22 – Marfan Syndrome Gala!
Apr 26 – Flappers Comedy Club
May 4-7 – Bridgetown Comedy Festival
May 12 – 11pm – Punchline Punchout Hollywood Improv Lab
May 13 – Matt Donoher Show at Meltdown Comics
June 22nd – Fresh Out New York! at UCB
June 23rd – Friars Club Roast of Gary Busey
Aug 18 – Fort Hays State University-Hays, KS
Aug 25 – University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Sep 1 – Embry Riddle Aeronautical University-Daytona Beach
Join my mailing list to find out when I’m performing in a city near you!
And checkout my UNICORN BLOG!
Don’t forget to join my mailing list!