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I thought I saw a unicorn behind my house! But it was just a bag of garbage with the handles twisted up top.
Lesson: Sometimes our dreams are bags of garbage.
Me: Umm, It's sexist to order my meal for me.
Husband: Sweetie, we're at a drive thru.
For every cute photo of a cat wearing a hat, there are a hundred blurry photos of a cat not wanting to wear a hat.
I was a victim of PC police brutality. Someone gave me a weird look THEN they told me to check my privilege. THEN they checked my privilege. And it was all there. THEN they tweeted about it. Whoa. Intense.
My friend ruined the ending of the new Star Wars movie for me. I was so mad that I decided to get even. I bought him a Star Wars puzzle for Christmas, but I took a piece of the puzzle out. When he couldn't find the last puzzle piece I called him and smugly said "I hope I didn't ruin the ending."
Too many commercials now seem to end with a woman revealing that she's pregnant and her husband saying, "We're going to need a bigger van!" So, I wish every commercial ended with a woman surprising someone that she's pregnant. Like, ee're going to need lots of tacos. Because I'm pregnant! We're going to need a bigger microwave. Because I'm pregnant! (Are we going to microwave a baby?)
Person: I'm offended by your squirrel joke. I have ADD.
Me: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Person: About what?
Do you remember playing the game "Hertz donut?" It's when you run somebody over with a rental car. Then say, "Hertz. Donut."
I seriously thought Comey was what Trump called his hairbrush. So no, I wasn't surprised that he fired Comey. Comey was not doing a good job. Either was Brushy.
If you buy two apple computers is it called a pear?
Thank you for reading and for any and all feedback! Which jokes do you like? Which jokes do you not understand? Which ones do you LOVE!?
I'm raising money for my unicorn ebook! Join here and help me save a unicorn!
This week we have a very special edition of Unicorn Reviews. Because this past week the amazing UNICORN FRAPPUCCINO was unleashed onto the unsuspecting public!
The Unicorn Frappuccino was conceived several months ago when a millennial and a dolphin went rollerblading together. While blading down the sidewalk they came across a lemonade stand owned and operated by a rainbow. They served mango lemonade and only blue sour skittles, and cream. The rest is history.
Now, you shouldn’t judge a Unicorn Frappuccino by it’s cover. Because the cover is just a plastic dome shape and it’s rather quite generic. It has a nice sized hole in the top and fits onto cups, but honestly it doesn’t say much about the contents of the beverage. Instead, judge a Unicorn Frappuccino by it’s sparkle. And holy buckets does this drink sparkle.
I was instantly enticed by the swooshy swirls of blue, pink, light pink, dark pink, soft pink, neon pink, gay pink, straight pink, boy pink, girl pink, non gender conforming pink, pink panther pink, and pinky pink. It looked like what a unicorn’s brain would look like on crack. As the drink melted the blue began to takeover the pink in a sprawling, manifest destiny fashion. It was like watching paint dry, but like while you’re on crack.
I absolutely adored the poofy white cloud of whipped cream on top of the drink covered in a magical dusting of sugar. It looked like a soft mountain that I wanted to jump into. And we can’t forget about the horn. The skinny green horn burst free from the top of the cloud proudly and declared, I’m a unicorn, and my horn is also a straw! BAM!
I wish I could have a Unicorn Frappuccino every day. But they were only here from April 19th to the 23rd, and most Starbucks stores ran out before then.
Thankfully I got mine the first day at an airport Starbucks and I got to taste it while everyone around clapped and cheered and took my picture and asked, “How is it?”
And that’s where we are now. I’m sure you’re all wondering what it tasted like. And I have to be honest here. It was really good… But it just wasn’t sugary enough. It tasted kind of sweet, but not sweet enough. It’s like they’d never had a meal cooked by a unicorn before. It was close. Definitely close to seeming authentic, and to the untrained mouth it may have been indiscernible from the real thing, but I’ve been around the block a few times. It’s a block made out of rainbow legos and ego waffles, and that’s where all the unicorn’s live. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVED the mango and the blue sourness. It was like a dream wrapped in a dream with a dream on top, all getting sucked up into a straw. But there just wasn’t enough sugar.
I really hope Starbucks brings them back again, just like the McRib. Unicorns need more attention and awareness so anything that brings them to the spotlight is wonderful.
Starbucks Frappuccino, thank you for existing. xoxox 10 stars.
Thank you for reading and if you liked this review, you should preorder my new ebook “Finally, Unbiased Reviews of Unicorn Images.” You can preorder here.
For more unicorn reviews, visit my unicorn blog here!
Here are a few one liners and joke premises I'm currently working on. Feedback is welcome and appreciated! Like any jokes? Not like any jokes? Not sure what the joke is supposed to be? Let me know! xoxo
New Rule: If you make your baby wear a headband with a bow on it, you should also be required to wear a headband with a bow on it.
Waffles are like pancakes in jail.
Me: I invented the first ever queen sized candy bar.
Sharktank: You just crossed out 'king,' and added a unicorn sticker.
Me: so QVC?
News: Jeremy Renner passes on MI:6 to appear in Ant Man and The Wasp
Me: Andy Erikson passes on Open Mic to appear in Sweat Pants and the Kitchen
I say "no worries" a lot and today a friend told me he hates that phrase.
I didn't know what to say. I was just like "no worries."
What's a dirty knock knock joke called?
A ding dong.
I feel like most snapchat filters are just a gateway to becoming a furry.
Dear hotels: Pillow options. That's all I'm asking. You got 8 pillows in this room and they're all the same...
A new study shows that people who don't use Facebook are happier.
But how are they going to tell people?
One day I just want to be rich enough to use the "sort price from high to low" feature.
Do you love unicorns, comedy and art? Then you will love my new ebook!
This ebook is a compilation of unicorn reviews based on unicorn art created by talented artists from all over the country. The book started as the super awesome unicorn blog: unicornratings.tumblr.com if you love the blog, you will love this book, as it includes never before seen images, and bonus material not available online!
The working title is: “Finally, Unbiased Reviews of Unicorn Images.”
For a limited time it's only $5! You should preorder here! And I will be your best friend!
And, as an extra bonus, here's a sneak peak of the never before seen unicorn image I will be reviewing on Monday January 30th!
I post new reviews every Monday at unicornratings.tumblr.com. Thank you for reading and for your insight and feedback too!
Apr 13 – Fresh out LA! At UCB Sunset
Apr 15 – Punchline Punchout at Hollywood Improv Lab
Apr 20 – Brave New Workshop
Apr 22 – Marfan Syndrome Gala!
Apr 26 – Flappers Comedy Club
May 4-7 – Bridgetown Comedy Festival
May 12 – 11pm – Punchline Punchout Hollywood Improv Lab
May 13 – Matt Donoher Show at Meltdown Comics
June 8 – Big Money
June 17 – Chris Sanders Backyard Show
June 22nd – Fresh Out New York! at UCB
June 23rd – Friars Club Roast of Gary Busey
July 27 – Deal With It, Comedy Central Stage
July 28 – Casey Moran show, Simi Valley
Aug 3-6 – National Marfan Foundation Convention
Aug 18 – Fort Hays State University-Hays, KS
Aug 23 – Winthrop University – Rock Hill, SC
Aug 25 – University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Sep 1 – Embry Riddle Aeronautical University-Daytona Beach
Sep 28 – University of Nebraska – Kearney, NE
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